Moral Low Ground


New Hampshire Teen @VERSACEPOPTARTS Has Sex with Hot Pockets, Goes Viral, Gets Banned

March 3, 2014 by Brett Wilkins in American Idiots with 0 Comments
Victim of an earlier violation... (Twitter)

Victim of an earlier violation… (Twitter)

They may not be suitable for human consumption, but Nestlé’s popular Hot Pockets snack sandwiches are apparently great for inserting a different variety of meat of questionable provenance.

You may recall that hundreds of thousands of cases of Hot Pockets were recently recalled because they were made with “diseased and unsound beef.” Gross. But just when you thought Hot Pockets news couldn’t get any yuckier, along comes VERSACEPOCKETS, aka @VERSACEPOPTARTS, aka Thot Pocket, a very bored, very horny 18-year-old New Hampshire teen with a hunger for Internet fame and the answer to a question nobody ever asked– how does it feel to fornicate with crispy, buttery, gooey ham-n-cheesy goodness?

The teen, who for good reason wishes to remain anonymous, was just interviewed by First We Feast. Basically, the kid was after more Twitter followers when he started pulling stunts like shaving off his pubes and gluing them to his face. One thing led to another and next thing you know, he’s penetrating Pop Tart boxes, hence the handle.

In this day and age of social media-addled (addicted?) Millennials jonesing for more ‘likes,’ more tweeps, more RTs and always pushing the envelope, it’s no wonder that poop sundae eaters and bloody tampon eaters join forces to try and one-up publicity-starved pooch-screwers, perpetuating a trend toward even more repugnant– and dangerous– behavior.

“Dude,” @VERSACEPOPTARTS told First We Feast, “I tried doing it without a condom and it was just, like, way too hot. I put it in the fridge for a little bit and I was like, ‘Dude, I’m gonna have to use a condom if I’m gonna actually stick my dick in the whole Hot Pocket.”

Mission accomplished, it was time to maximize his social media fame. He posted a video of his crusty conquest on the usual sites, but his plan backfired horribly when he found his Twitter account suspended and blocked, to boot, by @hotpockets. He was also blocked on the video sharing site Vine, to which he defiantly replied, “You can suspend my Vine but you can’t change the fact I fucked a Hot Pocket.”

thot pocket

@VERSACEPOPTARTS is realistic about his prospects for lasting stardom. Even though he relishes the fact that he is “on a roll of Twitter fame,” he knows “that all of that shit doesn’t fucking matter.”

As for the experience of playing squirrel the salami in the Hot Pocket, the teen says he would “definitely recommend it, if you’re lonely.” And we’re guessing he is, even if plenty of, ahem, pop tarts have offered up their pastries for pounding now that he’s something of a shooting star:


One last thing– when asked what he did for a living, @VERSACEPOPTARTS gave this disturbing answer: “I’m a chef.” He did, however, say that he’s never defiled any of the food at his place of employment. What a relief.

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