Moral Low Ground


‘Duck Dynasty’ Star Phil Robertson Is a Homophobic Bigot

Bumblefuck bigot: Phil Robertson, 2nd from left, has compared homosexuality to bestiality.

Bumblefuck bigot: Phil Robertson, 2nd from left, has compared homosexuality to bestiality.

Citing Christian mythology for which there is absolutely zero evidence, the star of one of television’s most popular reality series has attacked homosexuality as a “sin” comparable to bestiality.

A&E’s Duck Dynasty draws millions of viewers every week with its oddly fascinating chronicles of the rags-to-riches Robertsons, whose backwater empire was built upon the slaughter of defenseless birds. The program may be one of the most popular reality series of our time, but the family’s patriarch, Phil Robertson, is about to reach a wider audience than he could have imagined thanks to some eyebrow-and-ire-raising anti-gay commentary.

In an interview for a GQ article titled, appropriately, “What the Duck?”, the 67-year-old Robertson told Drew Magary that he just can’t understand why a man would want to have sex with another man.

“It seems like, to me, a vagina– as a man– would be more desirable than a man’s anus,” Robertson opined. “That’s just me. I’m just thinking: there’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical.”

Sorry if I come from a place where sucking nuts is far more common than sucking squirrel meat off the bone like Robertson is so fond of doing, but I’m not quite following his logic. Let’s see where he’s going with this…

“Everything is blurred on what’s right and what’s wrong,” he continued. “Sin becomes fine. Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men.”

Yes, Phil, because everyone knows that duck-fucking is the (un)natural ‘sin’ progression from same-sex sodomy.

“Don’t be deceived,” warns Robertson. “Neither the adulterers, the idolaters (psst– that’s you, Muslims), the male prostitutes (I guess bitches be saved), the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers (unless you’re slandering fags), the swindlers– they won’t inherit the Kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right.”

Maybe it’s “not right” in the fairytale realm of Bronze Age myths in which Robertson and his ilk dwell, but where I come from– the 21st century– there’s nothing wrong at all with two, or ten, consenting adults of any sex or sexual orientation doing whatever the hell they please with each other. But to the Christian fundamentalist, any sex outside of (heterosexual) marriage is a ‘sin.’ And gay sex, well, that’s right up there with bestiality and pedophilia on the ‘sin’ list, as countless Christians are constantly reminding us.

Of course, many of Christendom’s holiest officials have demonstrated a great fondness for certain forbidden fruits of the not-quite-ripe variety. I wonder what ‘God’ makes of the thousands of priests and other Christian clergy who rape and molest little boys and girls in ‘His’ name? Well, according to Christian belief, if they genuinely repent in Jesus’ name, they go to ‘Heaven,’ of course! Unlike those filthy faggots…

By the way, what the hell’s up with right-wing homophobes and bestiality? Such ludicrous linkage isn’t just limited to the boondocks of Bumblefuck– very important Christian conservatives like former congressmen Rick Santorum and Ron Paul, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia and famed neurosurgeon Benjamin Carson have all compared man-on-man to man-on-dog, and all have had droves of devout disciples swallow up their every word like this Philadelphia priest forced his 10-year-old victim to swallow something else– and it wasn’t communion wine.

Duck Dynasty boycott may seem like the obvious course of action. But I strongly suspect Robertson’s vile homophobia may actually attract more of the same sort of folks who flocked to fast-food chain Chick-fil-A to show their ‘appreciation’ for the Christian company’s financial support for hate groups that seek to make homosexuality a criminal offense. Some of the brightest stars in the conservative firmament– all of them devout Christians– went out of their way to show Chick-fil-A love. Sarah Palin. Mike Huckabee. Rick Santorum. All of them, preaching the hate codified in Christianity’s holiest text.

Expect to see plenty of these anti-gay bigots voicing their support for Robertson and Duck Dynasty in the coming hours.

Duck you, Phil Robertson. Duck you, and all you other haters. Why don’t you make like the gays you despise and eat a dick. You might actually enjoy it.

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