US Government Denies Zombie Apocalypse
The US Centers for Disease Control has stated that rumors of an imminent zombie apocalypse are just that– rumors.
In an email to the Huffington Post, CDC spokesman David Daigle wrote:
“CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead, or one that would present zombie-like symptoms.”
There you have it. Case closed, no zombie apocalypse. Because you can always trust what the government tells you, right?
Seriously, though– you can’t help but wonder what the hell has gotten into people lately, what with all the murder, dismemberment, cannibalism and such.
The ‘zombie apocalypse’ buzz— according to the Huffington Post, the term was Google’s third most popular search term by Friday morning– all began last weekend in Miami when a crazed, naked cannibal named Rudy Eugene was spotted snacking on the face of a hapless old man on a causeway offramp. When police arrived, Eugene was unresponsive and kept chewing his victim’s face off. Even a bullet failed to stop his feast; it took three shots to put the “zombie” down.
The very next day, 43-year-old Wayne Carter from Hackensack, New Jersey disemboweled himself and threw his own guts at police officers as they busted into his home. Two cans of pepper spray did nothing to stop Carter; a SWAT team had to be called in to subdue him.
Next came the most horrific news of the whole “zombie” wave: up in Montreal, a kitten-killing gay porn star named Luka Rocco Magnotta murdered a 33-year-old Chinese student named Lin Jun, beheaded him, cut him into pieces, sodomized the dead torso, ate pieces of his ass, fed some of that ass to a hungry dog and mailed the victim’s hand and foot to the headquarters of Canada’s two main political parties. Oh, and Magnotta filmed the whole grisly murder and its aftermath and posted it online.
You would think that things couldn’t get any worse after that. You’d be wrong, though. On Thursday, Maryland police arrested one Alexander Kinyua, who confessed to killing his roommate, cutting him into pieces, and eating his heart and– like any zombie worth its salt would do– his bbbbrrrraaaaiiinnnsss.
Like I said, you can’t blame folks for thinking something is rotten in Denmark. And speaking of Scandinavia, zombie-like (or at least sick, cannibalistic) behavior was seen in Sweden this week when a university professor cut off his wife’s lips and ate them in Stockholm.
Zombie apocalypse? Probably not. But something sure has gotten into people lately.
Must be an election year.
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