Moral Low Ground

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Texas Family Finds Jesus– In Scummy Shower Mold

They say that God is everywhere, but this is ridiculous…

A Texas family says they’ve found Jesus– in the form of mold growing on their shower wall.

“People say your house is blessed,” Chyanna Richards, who lives in the Splendora home, told KTRK. “I see the head, the hair, a cloak.”

Um, maybe. But the faint, eerie likeness visible on the scummy old wall could just as easily be a scythe-wielding Grim Reaper. Or Edvard Munch’s The Scream. Or maybe Ghostface from Wes Craven’s Scream.

Hey, God is in the details. Or is that the devil?

“Maybe it means something,” Richards told KTRK. “Maybe look into yourself and see if you need to change something in your life.”

Yeah, like your bathroom hygiene.

“Jesus,” marveled neighbor Michael Bearden. “But it kinda looks like me!”

Well, Mr. Bearden, then you look like dried-out pond scum.

The mold, er, Our Lord and Savior, started growing while Thomas George, another resident of the house, was locked up in prison. George, the brains of the house, reckons the holy mold is keeping him out of jail.

“He’s just watching over us to make sure nothing wrong happens or I get in trouble and go back,” he explained to KTRK.

“It gives me inspiration just to do better,” he added.

Whatever does it for you, Tommy.

It gets better. Literally. The family of an HIV-positive woman who also lives in the house says her condition has improved ever since Jesus decided to return to earth in the form of a multicellular microbe and take up residence on a ratty old Texas bathroom wall.

Good for her.

Dear readers, Moral Low Ground hates to one-up the faithful folks in Splendora, but we think we’ve found the REAL Jesus. And He ain’t some lowly shower mold, oh no. We’d even bet our heathen souls that OUR Jesus would beat THEIR Jesus in a side-by-side comparison test any day of the week, and twice on Sunday. See for yourself…

Here’s the ‘Splendora Jesus’:

(Photo: ABC screen grab)

And here’s the REAL Jesus, as “discovered” in this pug’s asshole:

(Photo: Reddit)

To steal a phrase from the “journalists” over at Fox News, “we report, you decide…”

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