Moral Low Ground

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Bankrupt ‘Octomom’ Nadya Suleman to Make Online Porn Video for Undisclosed Amount

She once vowed to never do porn. But Nadya Suleman, aka the Octomom, is bankrupt, done in by the cost of raising a behemoth brood of 14– count ’em– kids. She’s reportedly a million bucks in the red, and the rent money she owes could buy a new Chrysler 300. So what’s an attractive, yet “slightly saggy” (her own words) and stretch-marked mom approaching middle age to do?

An online masturbation video, of course.

According to the Huffington Post, Suleman, 36, will be paid an undisclosed amount of cash to star in the self-pleasure video, which will be shot this summer. It isn’t the Octomom’s first erotic endeavor; she was reportedly paid $10,000 for posing topless in March. But according to celebrity gossip site TMZ, “she doesn’t consider a masturbation video porn, because it’s a solo mission.”

Suleman, who lives in La Habra, California, claims she’s in good enough condition to bare all.

“I just pinged back into shape like a rubber band after the kids – I don’t know how I did it,” she told Closer. 

“I eat like a horse, don’t count calories and have never owned a set of scales. I gained an entire human when I was pregnant with the octuplets – going from 140 lbs (63.5kg) to over 266 lbs (120.7kg) – but, two months later, I was a size 8 again. Now, I never weigh myself.”

She also claims that she does not like male attention and has to work hard at “disguising her beauty” to turn men off– she says she’s been celibate for 13 years; her children were conceived via donor sperm.

“I get way too much male attention, but I won’t date until the octuplets are 18 – I live for them now,” she told Closer.

“I know a lot of women like male attention, but I’ll go out with no make-up on and wear tracksuits, a wig and even a fake pregnancy stomach to put them off.”

Starring in a solo masturbation video will allow her to stick to her story that she’s not after the admiration of the opposite sex, although it remains to be seen how many women will want to watch the stretch-marked and “slightly saggy” (again, her own words) Suleman plugging her hole with lord-only-knows-what. We suspect the majority of those shelling out for her video will be of the XY chromosomal variation.

But if we’ve learned anything, it’s that if you can think of it, someone’s getting off on it. We wish Nadya the best of luck and hope she makes enough money from pleasuring herself (apparently it’s “a lot more” than the $10,000 she made for posing topless) to keep her and her horde of hungry progeny thriving well into the future.

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