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Sweet Jesus on a Telephone Pole!: the Carolina Kudzu ‘Crucifix’

“I am the vine; you are the branches.” ~Jesus Christ; John 15:5

Christians, who have no problem accepting that a virgin gave birth to the son of God, who later rose from the dead like a zombie following his execution, believe all sorts of preposterous poppycock in the name of ‘faith,’ a nebulous concept the great Mark Twain defined as “believing what you know ain’t so.”

The latest Christ cult inanity comes to us from bucolic Kinston, North Carolina, where many Jesus-loving sheeple (chill– Jesus called you that, not me: “I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me.”) swear they’ve seen their lord and savior upon the cross in the form of a vine-covered utility pole.

He has risen… on a telephone pole! (Photo: Kinston Free Press)

According to the New Bern Sun Journal, many local Christians say the kudzu-covered pole bears an uncanny resemblance to the crucified Christ. Kudzu, for those of you not from the South, is a super-fast growing invasive plant species from Asia that snakes over everything it comes in contact with. Known as “the vine that ate the South,”  kudzu costs utility companies $1.5 million each year to clear from power lines.

But it is unlikely that the kudzu will be cleared from this particular pole. Some locals opine that it could be Jesus himself, looking out for them. It would be improper, they say, to remove the ‘holy’ vines.

“It looks like Jesus,” Kent Hardison of Ma’s Hotdog House, just down the road from the cross, told the Sun Journal. “I thought, ‘you can’t spray Jesus with Roundup,'” he added, referring to the Monsanto herbicide that the United States and Colombian military have sprayed over crops, livestock and children in an effort to eradicate cocaine production.

Of course, this isn’t the first time Jesus has been spotted in an impossible place. The Sun Journal points out that the Son of Man has been reported in everything from tortilla chips to a grilled cheese sandwich.

Like Jesus, kudzu is impossibly difficult to eradicate. “It doesn’t matter what you do, it is going to be around,” Michelle Davis of nearby Sandy Bottom said of the irksome vine. “Ain’t that a lot like Jesus?”

Sure is, Michelle. Kudzu, like Jesus, is an omnipresent nuisance that’s got most of the South wrapped in its sinister grip, with all the best efforts of reasonable folks having little or no effect on the problem. Would that there were some sort of ‘spiritual Roundup’ that could eradicate the ignorant menace of Christianity from the minds of the masses…

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4 Comments

  1. Betty FokkerJune 30, 2011 at 8:05 amReply

    I’m a devote Episcopalian … and I really, really want a tee-shirt that says “You can’t spray Jesus with Round-up, but you CAN discriminate against gays”.

    • Brett WilkinsJune 30, 2011 at 9:48 pmReplyAuthor

      I’d buy one! How about “You can’t spray Jesus with Round-up but you can rape the alter boy!

  2. JussiJuly 16, 2011 at 2:16 pmReply

    Cthulhu has sent his son to our world!

  3. JohnJuly 16, 2011 at 11:46 pmReply

    I wonder what kind of insulators are on that pole. Glass ones? Ceramic ones?

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