Hey Alabama “Illegal Aliens”… New Immigration Law Got You Down? Why Not Try San Francisco?
Ah, Alabama. A bumblefuck backwater of a state so pathetically behind the curve of modern civilization that its unofficial motto is “thank God there’s Mississippi” (sorry, Mississippi). A state where the newly-elected Republican governor, a Southern Baptist deacon named Robert Bentley, publicly proclaimed that “anybody who has not accepted Jesus Christ as their savior is not my brother.” A state where there are, in 2011, still 26 “dry” counties and where many towns have more churches than traffic lights. Alabama is God’s country, and God hates fags, socialists, Muslims, Yankees and Auburn football.
And, apparently, undocumented immigrants.
In case you haven’t heard, Governor Bentley has just signed into law the nation’s toughest anti-“illegal” immigration bill. HB 56 requires police to determine a person’s citizenship and immigration status during traffic stops, outlaws undocumented immigrants from receiving any state or local benefits, bans them from enrolling in public colleges, prohibits them from applying for jobs, forbids the harboring and/or transport of “illegals,” bans anyone from renting property to them or hiring them for any work, invalidates contracts to which an undocumented immigrant is a party, mandates citizenship checks for anyone registering to vote, requires public schools to determine the immigration status of all students and report “illegals” to the state government, criminalizes dealing in fake IDs, and redefines discrimination as the firing or declining to hire “legal” Alabamans when any “illegals” are employed.
HB 56, which Bentley readily and proudly admits is the toughest anti-“illegal” immigration bill in the nation, makes Arizona’s notorious SB 1070 look like a welcome mat for undocumented immigrants. But if you “illegal aliens” really want to feel welcome, may I suggest packing up your belongings and heading to a planet you’ll be proud to call home.
I’m talking about San Francisco.
You see, the beautiful City by the Bay, like scores of enlightened communities around the nation, is officially a sanctuary city. Has been since 1989. What exactly does that mean? That city employees are prohibited by law from helping Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) with immigration investigations or arrests. It means that no police officer will ever ask you for your papers or inquire about your immigration status. It even means that city officials won’t share information on “illegals” with federal authorities and that law enforcement authorities will release “illegals” arrested for petty crimes from jail even if federal authorities request they be held for deportation hearings.
It also means you are entitled– you are welcome— to take advantage of all the wonderful services our city has to offer, regardless of your ability to pay. And this ain’t your average American city– we’ve got universal health care, universal pre-school, paid sick leave, a minimum wage approaching $10/hour and much, much more!
In other words, San Francisco is an undocumented immigrants’ paradise. Not only is it a haven for “illegals,” it’s damn near heaven. You are welcome here. Bienvenido. Maligayang pagdating. Chào mừng. 歡迎.
Yes, that includes you.
Not only is San Francisco a great place to be an “illegal” immigrant, it’s a fabulous place to live, period. We San Franciscans pride ourselves on our quality of life, our tolerance for others and our diversity. Whereever it is you hail from, you’ll find a vibrant community of your compatriots somewhere within the city limits. A walk in the Mission district, the Tenderloin or the Richmond can feel like a stroll through a city in El Salvador, Vietnam or China. Our cultural institutions are second-to-none. We’ve got no real winter to speak of, easy access to some of the most breathtaking beaches, mountains, forests and vineyards in the world, all the wonders of the San Francisco Bay and the 2010 World Champion San Francisco Giants.
We haven’t elected a Republican mayor since 1955.
And, perhaps most importantly, no one will ever call you an “illegal.” That’s why I always write “illegal” in quotes, because here in San Francisco, we firmly believe that no human being is illegal– ¡NINGÚN SER HUMANO ES ILEGAL!
The very mention of the word sanctuary city is enough to launch the rabidly reactionary, racist supporters of Alabama’s HB 56 into a spastic fit of frothing fury. And that’s great; it means we’re doing something right. And all the supposed ills that afflict our society as a result of the invasion of unwashed hordes from south of the border are glaringly absent here in San Francisco. Undocumented workers are not stealing all our jobs. They are not rampaging through the streets on a crime bender. They are not refusing to assimilate into our society.
They are an invaluable part of our society.
Just like the queers, the commies, the tree-huggers, the bull dykes, the atheists, the feminists, the Democrats, the Muslims, the hippies, the activists and all the other fine folks they love to hate down in Dixie. For when all is said and done, what Alabama’s rejection of “illegal” immigrants amounts to is a rejection of the growing diversity that is 21st century America. But where Alabama is scared silly of that diversity, we embrace it. That’s what any decent human being ought to do.
So, my undocumented brothers and sisters, if Alabama’s war on “illegals” has got you down, why not pack it in and GO WEST! The golden shores of the promised land await you with arms open wide… just be careful when driving through Arizona!
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