Moral Low Ground


F.B.I. Arrests Bull Rider for Milking the Bull on United Airlines Flight

Because May is officially “National Masturbation Month”

A Florida bull rider was busted last Thursday by the FBI after masturbating aboard a United Airlines flight from Spokane, Washington to Denver. According to The Smoking Gun, 25-year-old Kyle Pearce didn’t stop his one-man tug-o-war until he ejaculated all over himself and his seat.

FBI agent Martin Daniel’s sworn affidavit cites an 18-year-old woman who was seated next to the alleged salami slapper:

“I sat next to a man on a plane who was masturbating. I heard a noise and looked over and saw his penis…. He ejaculated and got some on the seat. Then he went to the bathroom for a long time.”

Eighteen-year-old Grayson Miller, who was seated directly behind the perverted perp, wrote in a statement to the FBI that “my friend Zach turned to me and said ‘that man is masturbating’ and in disbelief, I looked and saw his penis and he was. I hit him with my book in his arm, which caused him to stop and leave to the bathroom. After a while he returned.”

Pearce, a junior college student who’s been riding bulls for eight years (and milking his bull for even longer), has been named in a misdemeanor criminal complaint for allegedly making an “obscene and indecent exposure of his person” on an aircraft, could face 90 days in jail, a year of supervised release (no, not that kind of release) and a fine of up to $5,000 if convicted.

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One Comment

  1. Wakako UritaniMay 25, 2011 at 10:39 pmReply

    Milking the bull! Haha!

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