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OBAMA TO END U.S. MILITARY AID TO ISRAEL

Obama: "We're not your bitches anymore!"

US President Barack Obama today made a stunning announcement that starting next year, the United States will no longer provide military assistance to Israel because of the Jewish state’s continued human rights violations and America’s precarious financial situation.

Speaking at a White House press conference, Obama cited “repeated and continuing violations” of UN resolutions and the “literally hundreds” of such resolutions condemning Israeli crimes, mostly against the Palestinian people, as well as the Jewish state’s continued “illegal and inflammatory” settlement building in the occupied West Bank as justification for the radical US policy shift.

“While the United States firmly believes in Israel’s right to a secure future, it does not have the right to secure that future at the expense of the freedom and basic human dignity of the Palestinian people,” Obama declared. “This administration has decided that American arms must no longer contribute to the killing and repression of the Palestinian people and their aspirations for liberty, and that American tax dollars must no longer contribute to the destruction of Palestinian homes, Palestinian lives, or Palestinian dignity.”

However, Obama said the US would continue to sell Israel weapons. They just won’t be free anymore. The US currently gives more than $3 billion in annual military aid— more than $8 million every day– to Israel. All that is set to end on January 1, 2012.

Obama also cited the current financial morass into which the United States has sunk as a reason for discontinuing the aid. “With our nation $14 trillion in debt, we’ve got to ask ourselves if we can really afford to continue giving Israel, a country fully capable of paying for its own defense, this free ride of monumental proportions,” the President said.

There is no word yet on the Israeli response to this stunning announcement. But Lee Rosenberg, president of the extremely influential American Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC) said this: “It looks like President Obama was serious when he said that he’d rather be a one-term President and do what’s right than do what’s… wait– I mean, I’m not saying that what he’s doing is right… strike that. Can you strike that?”

The mood in the occupied West Bank and in much of the Arab world was one of cautious jubilation. Indeed,  Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas declared that Obama’s about-face seemed “too good to be true.”

And that’s because it is. April Fools, dear readers!

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7 Comments

  1. Jim Hillas via FacebookApril 1, 2011 at 5:12 pmReply

    Great news to hear on such an auspicious holiday!

  2. QwertyApril 1, 2011 at 5:21 pmReply

    That’s not funny at all. Pretending to love one people while hating another people is no humanism.

    • Brett WilkinsApril 1, 2011 at 5:28 pmReplyAuthor

      Who’s hating anyone?

  3. AdamApril 1, 2011 at 5:57 pmReply

    Dammit, you had me going right up until the last sentence.

  4. FranziskaApril 2, 2011 at 2:03 amReply

    Haha, you might as well have said that the earth will turn in another direction… wait, maybe that’s even more likely 😛

  5. John SmithApril 4, 2011 at 11:35 amReply

    Thank God this was a joke. Jews vote heavily democrat and give way to much money to cut them off. Just saying.

  6. pennaltoJune 20, 2011 at 11:15 amReply

    For God’s sake, don’t give Obummer ideas!

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